When little boys and girls ask their parents where children come from, the adults gather their wits and strength, take a swig from their trusty flask of… orange juice, and start telling a story, which starts with these words: when a boy loves a girl very much and the girl loves the boy… This is not the answer Snail got from Professor Alfonse Lynchbergstein when it asked the same question.
Different from the usual reaction from parents all over the world, Professor Lynchbergstein got very excited when Snail asked him to tell it where it came from. Just like before every story and… every other occasion, really, the Professor went to the fridge and took out a couple of lovely chocolate chip ice cream cones. Smiling in overwhelming giddiness, he gave one cone to Snail and sat down in front of it. Slowly licking the greatest invention since the wheel, the Professor started his story.
It turns out that when Alfonse Lynchbergstein was just a student, he spent every single day in his laboratory, making science breakthrough after science breakthrough. When a problem attracted his attention, people rejoiced, knowing that it would be solved soon. There was something wrong, however. Alfonse wasn’t very good with people. He was a good man and a great scientist, but he had a hard time making friends. He was not a robot, however. He still wanted to have a friend. Seeing the problem, Alfonse put all of his considerable brain power into solving it.
After a week of busy days and sleepless nights, Alfonse finally figured out how to make himself a friend. He set up the complex system of lasers, chemicals, and other scientific mumbo jumbo. Now, the only thing he needed was a secluded spot for his experiment and an animal. He found the spot for the experiment in the middle of his good friend Old McDonald’s farm. Now, he only needed an animal. Visiting a dog pound, he found a wonderful puppy and brought it to the experiment site.
After checking and doublechecking everything, Alfonse put the puppy down on the marked spot of the forest floor and hurried away to safety. That is where everything went wrong. The Professor-to-be didn’t make sure that no other animals were inside the spot where the laser rays and chemicals would do their work. He also forgot to make sure that the puppy couldn’t get away once the experiment began.
Just as Alfonse pushed the button which started the experiment, Old McDonald’s neighbor, Humpty Dumpty, noticed that his own beloved pet, Lassie, has run away and blew on his dog whistle. Alfonse’s puppy heard the sound and ran towards it. Alfonse saw this but it was too late to stop the experiment and too dangerous to try and get the puppy back before the lasers and chemicals did their work. Disappointed, he watched as his technology ran its course. When it was done, he saw something unexpected. There was a creature in the designated area.
Alfonse ran to the spot and almost dislocated his jaw in surprise. Instead of a puppy, there was a snail. Much bigger than normal, it was looking around in curiosity, aware of what was happening. If Alfonse thought that this would be all, he was in for the surprise of his life, because that’s when the snail spoke, asking where it was and who Alphonse was. The scientist explained everything and asked the snail if it wanted to be his friend. The humanized gastropod agreed and asked what its name was. Despite a genius-level intellect and love of ice-cream, Alfonse was never very gifted in the imagination department; thus, he named his new snail friend… Ice.
Ice followed the Professor for a long time after that. It was there when Alfonse was awarded his doctorate, it was there when Dr. Lynchbergstein held his first lecture. It was there when he became a professor. It also present when the aliens came and killed its beloved Professor, burnt their home, and proceeded to attack the rest of Ice’s planet.
In front of the body of its beloved Professor and their burning home, Ice swore revenge on the attackers. It started wandering the world, using its previously undiscovered fighting prowess to defend the planet and lay the beatdown upon aliens’ sissy asses. On its quest for revenge, Ice met several like-minded allies. Together, they laid waste to the enemy’s forces which seemed to be recovering unusually quickly.
Eventually, it was time for the final attack to defeat the aliens. Unfortunately, their leader, Baby Drake and Chief Scientist Zap pulled an escape out of their ass and announced a battle on the Moon for the fate of Earth. Ice was fine with that. Whether on the Earth, the Moon, or in Old McDonald’s liquor cabinet, our heroic Gastropoda Sapiens was determined to show Baby Drake and his cohorts how cold Ice can really be.